So 2024 did not get off to the start I’d intended. The whole menopause/hysteroscopy/coil thing was not epic and is still ongoing (it’s much less painful and I’m still bleeding) but I’m feeling a bit more myself and it’s Spring, so 12 hours of light a day is always helpful especially when I’m miserable.
I’m not actually sure that I am miserable, nothing is really wrong, but I’m a bit stuck. So stuck, I went back into therapy because something is not working. There is a possibility that this is just menopause and I’m open to that, but I am on HRT and that doesn’t seem to be unsticking me.
This is the bit about being a grown up and having a depressive bent, that I really don’t like. Whether its depression rearing its head again or a menopause symptom, I need to deal with it or it’ll get worse. Dealing with it is the same as it’s always been, having and sticking to a routine, it’s taking my vitamins, it’s keeping the house organised, it’s going into the office, and making decent time for rest and activity. It’s showing up in my life and doing the work.
It drives me nuts, I’m good at flashes of brilliance not slow consistency, but this requires consistency and one foot in front of the other. So I’m back on my bullshit.
So this week, I’m aiming for two office days (probably Tuesday and Wednesday), 10pm bedtime, bringing back the golden hour and remembering to take my collagen and vitamins. Yeah, it’s pretty much my SAD protocol but in the Spring. A little focus never hurt.
It has been a very long time, the news is terrible, work is busy and I’ve been distracted but here are some links. It’s not that cheerful…
The Shoah after Gaza. This is from the London Review of Books and long but worth a read
This was not an accident, it was deliberate. Seven Gaza aid workers including UK, US and Australian citizens killed in Israeli strike, charity says. I’ve been outraged since October, Hamas are a terrorist organisation, I think they are wrong but they are terrorists, I don’t ever expect them to do the decent thing. Israel cannot says ‘what about Hamas?’ they are a state and their army is killing civilians in a territory it occupies. We’ll ignore for right this minute, the support they received from Israel to undermine the PLO. The most moral army in the world? If you believe that, I have a flying pig to sell you with those magic beans.
Jacques Chirac is alleged to have said to Netanyahu. “I do not believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Your entire policy consists of provoking the Palestinians.” I hear that every time I hear an Israeli spokesman talk about Gaza. Right now, no matter what it says it regrets, Israel is getting away with whatever it likes, without consequences. It’s up to the West, to impose some. This would be a start. Former supreme court judges say UK arming Israel breaches international law. Will it stop them, I don’t know, but we should not be selling them weapons
England’s ludicrous experiment in privatised water is coming to a messy end. Ma and I have been whinging about this for a while. In 2018 my water bill was £242.51, this year it’s £359.75. Thames record on sewage is bad enough but in the last 6 months I’ve lost water for the day on 3 separate occasions, which has never happened before. Shareholders have taken massive dividends and leveraged debt on Thames Water and it should not be on the taxpayer to bail them out, if we have to pay for the work that needs to be done, then it needs to be re-nationalised. In fact, while we’re at it, do the same for trains and energy!
Last night Liza Tarbuck played this. Now I have it stuck in my head.
The back story is that I used to watch it with my dad on the Saturdays that Mum was working and Dad used to sing it all the time. Occasionally, I get it as an earworm, 40 odd years later I still know all the words..
For those of you squeamish about women’s health (especially if you’re my brother!) look away now.
This is a quick catch up, February has been busy. I feel this is relatively important to have this out there because a while ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to be embarrassed or quiet about what was happening to me during in menopause or in my case peri menopause. There’s so much stuff that I didn’t know was menopause related that is and I thought I was fairly well educated. Also, 100 years ago, my great grandmother died after childbirth and my grandmother died at 49 because no one took her migraines seriously and her brain tumour grew. I’m keen that women’s health (of all sorts) is taken seriously and it can only be taken seriously if we are clear and unembarrassed about what’s happening and what needs to be done to solve the problems. No one without serious issue enjoys vaginal examinations but better to be a bit embarrassed for a smear test than having chemo for cervical cancer but we have to talk about it, most of the healthcare professionals I’ve deal with in gynaecology and even when having smear tests have been professional and go to great lengths to make you feel as comfortable as possible while doing their job, which is basically to help you. Here endeth the lesson.
So I’ve been taking HRT for about three and half years, for the last three or so, I’ve been having prolonged periods and bleeding. In the summer, I talked to the GP and had a scan and went onto a type of HRT that should have stopped all bleeding. It didn’t, I was still bleeding and periods went on forever with every period came a UTI. They have increased recently but I’ve had four since last August and that is too many antibiotics for one human! So in January, the GP referred me to the Menopause/HRT Clinic from Chelsea and Westminster Hospital.
Yes I did walk to the station via Brompton Cemetery
I know the NHS is in crisis but all of this happened very quickly. The first appointment happened the week before last, blood test happened last week, this week I had a scan and today I had a hysteroscopy (if you ever have one, take all the drugs, insist on a local anaesthetic and take all the other painkillers they say. I did all that and it was still very painful.* However, overall I was surprised by how reassuring it was to be taken seriously, to have the clinicians tell me that it was a big deal and that it needed to be sorted. I started showing signs of per-menopause at 43 and while I haven’t been told it’s all in my head, I am a person that likes to know what to expect and until this month no one has sat down and explained why things are happening and what to look out for. In 2019, I was having episodes where I felt like I was coming down with flu, no temperature but shivering and feeling hot and cold. Eventually, I went to the doctor and was told it was a peri-menopause symptom, once I knew that, if it happened I could just go to bed and sleep through it but not knowing, I was beginning to wonder if it was malaria or just all in my head.
Anyway assuming the biopsy from today comes back fine, the problem is adenomyosis and a couple of fibroids (submucosal and intramural). Oestrogen is causing my uterine lining to thicken and the progesterone is supposed to stop that but it’s not. Basically, I’m not getting enough of either, the possible solution to this is a mirena coil which will give me a localised source of progesterone (as a bonus, the doctor thinks it’ll help with my migraines). The patches will be oestrogen only and have topical oestrogen for the UTI’s.
I’m told that the next six months or so may be rocky but the bleeding should stop and it should all settle down. Fingers crossed.
Being in Fulham and Chelsea so much this month has been odd
Other things I’ve learnt about myself in all of this, my blood pressure is good, I’m not diabetic (which is another cause of frequent UTI’s), I have slightly elevated cholesterol but like .3 above the range (my mum and my uncle have elevated cholesterol too and a rise in HDL(bad) cholesterol with a lowering of LDL(good) cholesterol is a menopause symptom, so I’m very not surprised by that!) however, my ratio of LDL to HDL is still in the right place but worth keeping an eye on. My 10 year risk of a cardio vascular event is 5.56% so it’s good that I’ll be taking oestrogen for the next couple of years or so!
*Fortunately, it only really hurt for a short time and I’m used to bad period pain but in my limited experience it’s more painful than the information would have you think.
While I’ve had harder weeks, last week was extremely disconnected. There was all the hospital stuff and much to my surprise, I don’t feel better this week. I have extreme cramping. It occurs to me that all of the prodding of my uterus would maybe lead to some cramping, I have also discovered that having a coil inserted can result in a couple (ok up to six) weeks of ‘mild period pain’. Reader, I don’t have mild period pain, I spent years thinking that I was being a drama queen about it but I’m not, it’s not mild, I’m not going to pretend otherwise! It’s better today than it was yesterday, but I really need it to ease off because I can’t keep crunching paracetamol and the other thing that helps my cramps is alcohol, neither are good for my liver!
Chocolate mousse
I did get to Charles and Eileen’s for dinner on Friday evening and Ma and I were briefly at the plot on Saturday (rain stopped play!), on Sunday I popped over to Christina and Fred’s for coffee and croissant and playing with their delightful 2 year old, she’s a dote, I also got to briefly cuddle the second baby too.
New Baby Clothes
For the weekend not involving that, I was at home with a hot water bottle.
The rest of this week is devoted of work, feeling better and catching up with laundry.
We got gooseberries, blueberries and blackcurrants, lots of them. I knew that this year was going to be a jam making year. Last year, I only made blackcurrant and tomato jam and while the tomato is great with cheese, it’s not amazing on toast and we ran out of jam pretty quickly. Practically, the last thing I did before I left the flat before building work last year was to make marmalade. There is one jar left!
So my was to make several small batches so that we had lots of different flavours. which I did we’ve had apricot, blackcurrant, gooseberry, raspberry and blueberry. I’ve just finished this weekend with two batches, a mixed berry made up mostly of raspberries and blackberries from the plot and a mixed berry from frozen fruit. This because we seem to have run through it.
Part of that is that I now have reputation for jam making and I do give the marmalade away because it gets rave reviews. One of my colleagues children made me a Christmas decoration, to thank me for the marmalade. Two of my colleagues have admitted to hiding it from family members.
Most of the preserves I made last year were made with fruit from the allotment (mixed berry and marmalade being the exceptions). While I don’t have an apricot tree on my plot others do and Nolan had a really good apricot year so gave me a kilo. So at least the fruit component of them are very local – the sugar is mostly made from sugar beet.
Sugar is a tricky part of trying to be sustainable. Beet sugar is more ‘local’ in that we actually grow it in the UK and imports of sugar beet are generally from nearby countries (France, Holland, Slovakia etc) and it’s generally more sustainable that cane sugar, because it needs less land and water to grow and processing it into sugar uses less CO2 than processing cane sugar. It’s not without issues, sugar beet growing is chemically intensive and to prevent the spread of Yellow Virus from aphids, the seeds are coated with neonicotinoid insecticides. There is a ban on them for most part, but sugar beet is the one place where most of the EU (and the UK) make an exception, in 2020, no neonicotinoids were used and the UK lost 25% of the sugar beet crop. So you do what you can and hope that it’s enough. It falls on the wrong side of the line for some people and overall, my sugar buying decisions are a drop in the ocean, I think I use about 10kg of sugar a year for preserving, but I have thought about it!
I still believe that my has a smaller footprint than buying jam and I do know exactly what’s in it. I’ve linked the recipes below
Blackcurrant (I tripled the recipe and did two batches!)
I think that’s probably enough but I still have a hankering for cherry and peach but that’s really for next season.
I’ve talked before about how I make jam and that I don’t water bath it, if you have feelings about it, I don’t really want to know, you do you, I’ve always done it like this and it’s always been fine. Once it’s opened, I keep it in the fridge. I’m sure that all the jam I make could also be water bathed for 20 minutes if you wanted to be extra careful but I’m not sure how that would work with the jars I use. I also don’t take this approach with recipes that do recommend water bathing, the tomato jam, apple butter and compote I make all get water bathed.
Which leads me neatly onto jars. I’ve used various jars over the years and this has lead to some confusion, like the time I gave someone chilli jam instead of marmalade. So I decided that I would use the Bonne Maman style jars for sweet jams and marmalade from now on. However, getting jars back is the bane of my existence so this year I’m going a batch of marmalade in jars I don’t care about and only giving the jars I want back to people I trust. Sally and Jane also give me their spares which is amazing.
I’ve been trying to assemble a list of what we plan to grow this year and it’s just too much. So I’m going to break it down for each month so that I can hold myself accountable to get things sown.
So let’s start with February. It’s not a big month for seed sowing but there are some things happening.
Potatoes. Seed potatoes have arrived. I’m going smaller this year and we’re growing Nicola as a second early and Setanta as a main crop. They are currently in the living room, chitting and my plan is to plant them around Easter time.
Sweet Potatoes. We had a good year last year and I’ve used one of last year’s crop and a random that I bought but that is sprouting. I’ve put them in soil and on a heat mat so we’ll see how it goes.
Sweet Peppers. I had planned to sow these last year but missed my window so I’ve sown them this year. Lipstick from Real Seeds and Lunchbox mix (Thompson and Morgan) and Corno di Torro Rosso (Fothergills). This is the first year I’ve grown them from seed. I’ve got them (and the aubergines and chillis on the heat mat so fingers crossed!)
Chillis. We grew jalapeno peppers last year and they were great for salsa. I’d like to grow them again and got some seeds from Fothergills and we’ll see how it goes. I’ve always wanted to grow Padron (Real Seeds) peppers.
Aubergines. Again something we grew last year with limited success so I want to try from seed. I have free magazine seeds. Black Beauty (Fothergills) and Long Purple (Kings) are what I’ve sown.
Perennial Leeks and Walking Onions. I bought some bulbs from Incredible Vegetables, because I like the idea of them. Where I’ll put them is another matter entirely.
Sweetpeas. I really want to grow more flowers this year. And I love sweetpeas, so we’re going to sow what I have, Everlasting mixed which is a perennial and for the annuals Antique Fantasy Mixed, Hi-Scent and Sweet Dreams.
Ranuculus. I bought 110 corms before Christmas; we have a bed planted up with them and I’ve planted a bunch in pots and containers. When they’ve flowered this year, I’ll lift them and find a more permanent place for them. I suspect this will be part of my as yet to be developed ‘bulb’ plan.
I also have a free packet of Alpine Strawberry seeds, I’m going to sow them and see if they grow, if they do, that’s great I have some room for more and I know Sue will take some and if we have an excess, that’s what the plant sale on Open Day is for!
I’m at the point where I’m just so done with my hormones. More bleeding, headaches and if I could get a hysterectomy, I’d take it because there have been 36 days this year and I’ve been bleeding for 30 of them I’m beyond fed up because it also comes with feeling sick and headaches.
So last week was work and sleeping and feeling bleugh. Even the demise of January and beginning of February could not lift my spirits.
However, as I’ve been saying to my team ‘the only way out is through’. I did manage to be mildly productive, this weekend I did some preserving, some laundry, I sowed some seeds and I read some books. That some laundry and sorting out food prep for the week has managed to improve my mood this week, if not my headache!
Seed Sowing Station
This week, I have an appointment at the Menopause Clinic, monthly reporting, Grace and allotment. It’s going to be a good week, I’m going to make it my bitch!
After a break up in 2019, Turnpike Troubadours got back together in 2023 and there was an album. Mean Old Sun great, but not my absolute favourite (Black Sky and Three More Days are my picks). However, I’m so happy to see them back.
Well, in true to form, the last couple of months of 2023 flattened me….
So here are the headlines.
Christelle’s dad died at the beginning of November, which meant at short notice, she and Mike had to go to France, which meant I had to go to Woking and look after the dogs. Gabi and Baylen are lovely dogs, but they are French boxers and the crazy is built in.
Baylen wanting me to stop work and pay attentionGabi reminding me that it’s time for her dental stick!
I was really glad that I could help my friends when they needed help but 4 days in someone else’s house was hugely discombobulating for me, so there was that.
The rest of my life has just been hard to cope with. Look, I know there are people out there with a heap of responsibility and work and just life and I’m aware that as a single person with responsibility only to myself (and my family, job, allotment and flat), I know I don’t carry the same burden of responsibility as others. However, it’s not a competition. I have responsibilities that other people don’t and I’m allowed to find things hard. I have found the last couple of months tricky, it’s partly working out how to work in a new role and balance all of my responsibilities in all of my working life, it’s partly hormones, it’s partly SAD, it’s partly the absolute mess the world is in right now and it’s a whole heap of other stuff about being 50 that I don’t even have proper words for at the moment. This is why I do therapy.
All of that to say, I put blog down for a bit because I needed more room to stress about the stuff that matters in my life. My work, my family, my friends, trying to get enough sleep…the good stuff.
But there was other great stuff, Ma hit 75, we went to lunch and my friend Christina was having her second baby that very day! There was Grace and work events (one of which was wreath making) there was dinner with friends, seeing new houses, parties, Christmas….and a large and beautiful tree.
The large and beautiful tree
It was all fine, but it’s been exhausting. I heard something the other day, we survive because of our resilience, in 2023, I’ve used my resilience. This year, I’m going into 2024, not having to rebuild my entire life. I used my resilience and here I am ready to start again. All of that is good.
So plans for this week, well office, it’s the last week of January so I need to get myself prepped for end of the month reporting and just catch up. There is weeding on the plot to do, marmalade to make, and all sorts of good things.
Nic Dempsey 