I feel, as I always do this time of year, that I am running towards Christmas and I’m not ready. I have just under two weeks and it’ll be fine. This week will be busy at work but it’s going to calm down and with any luck in the week before Christmas, I’ll be able to work on some stuff for the new year and it will be ok. Home stuff will sort itself out, mostly next weekend and it’ll be ok.
What else? First a story. After Stef died, I was a mess, I felt very alone and very needy and it sucked, for me and for the people around me. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy working on not feeling like that, on being a less high maintenance friend on enjoying my friendships for what and where they are. I think it’s a particular problem when you’re single because your friendships can be more unbalanced and mean more to you than they do to your friends who have partners and children. This year has been weird in that sense, I’ve seen more of some friends and much less of others but it’s been ok.
This week, I had a conversation with a friend that upset me, not because it was intentionally hurtful, but because someone I care about hadn’t even considered that they might hurt me, either with the action or the conversation. It was the casual dismissal of me, as if I had no feelings. Well that’s how it felt.
This year has been spectacularly awful, I would not encourage big emotional swings but this time has made me really think about effort and love and ease. In trying to be an easy friend, I’ve found that I’ve become an unconsidered friend. It’s also really been a time of ease in other friendships that have felt much closer.
I mention it here because I think year has changed a lot of our relationships and I’m probably not the only one pondering how or whether to tackle something that isn’t as easy or good for us as it used to be.
In other news, I finally got an office chair, which is easier on my back. I got out of the house every day except Sunday and I finally wrote my Christmas cards. There was a really good day on the allotment on Saturday, we bought this year’s racing crackers (polar bears this year!). A pretty good week considering the circumstances of 2020.
This week, I have the work Christmas party on Friday, via Zoom god help us! My mental health plan for the week, is golden hour, daily yoga and going for a walk every day. Next weekend, I need to buy a Christmas tree and finish Christmas present buying and get to some baking. If there are no Cheese Stars, is it really Christmas?
Have a good week!