I’m a solitary person. There’s lots of talk about extroverts and introverts and much to the surprise of the people who know me, as opposed to the people who really KNOW me, I’m an introvert.
Knowing that time with people saps my energy is completely different from not being interested in them though. I’m interested in people and fascinated by why they and how they interact with each other, but I’ve always been a solitary person. If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be that. I’m a solitary person and that’s a valid thing to be. It’s in my nature to live a little bit more in my own head than it seems other people are (and as I get to know my mother as an adult, I finally get where that comes from). My brother has all of my father’s charm, he’s effortlessly funny and charming. I am not but that does not mean that I’m without charm.
I wish as a younger person, I had tried less hard to be liked because that person wasn’t someone I was comfortable with and I was lonely. Nowadays, although I live by myself, I’m not alone, I have people who I love and who love me. I wish I had known earlier that enjoying your own company was not a character flaw. It’s just who I am.If I’d learned that earlier, I would have been much happier, much sooner. Because there have been times when I’ve been lonely and felt unloved and unwanted and it was horrible. When I look back at that time, I realise that I felt like that because I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, trying to feel something I didn’t. When about eight or so years ago, I lost a whole bunch of people I thought of as friends, as family, I was still dealing with the repercussions of Stef dying and I thought I was devastated. I should have been devastated. I was devastated about Stef but not by those other people. Now I look back and I think maybe it was self preservation. Perhaps, the grief I was dealing with was also my way of blowing it all apart. When I think of those relationships now, all I feel is a giddy joy that I never have to deal with it or them again. I hope that they’re in a good place, I never want to be there with them. I never felt more alone than when I was with those people, in that group.
That’s the thing about loneliness, it’s not actually about being alone, it’s about feeling alone and that can happen anywhere.I’ve learnt that it’s a good thing to be happy in my own company. I’ve learnt that I’m a solitary person. I’ve learnt that it’s good to let people in but they have to want to be there. I’ve learnt to cut my losses and leave if they don’t because I don’t have time for that nonsense.
No-one has to like me, I like myself and that’s enough.