I love spring, I said a couple of weeks ago that my brain is waking up because the light is back. Last week we hit the vernal equinox, equal amounts of day and night and that’s pretty much my own personal sweet spot, it’s Spring and baby, I’m back!
Without being too dramatic, I have been to the dark places, I’ve been depressed, I’ve watched people I love die, I’ve worked through a fractured relationship with my actual father and grappled with how to heal a relationship that was broken long before I knew how to fix it. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of that killed relationships I valued and I’ve had people I love walk away without explanation. Darkness has been if not a friend, certainly a presence in my life. I know the dark places of my soul, I’ve examined them and it has sometimes felt that there are parts of me that are broken almost beyond repair.
On an annual basis I go through a cycle of depression and wellness because of SAD. I’m better at dealing with it nowadays and as a result aware of the change it has on my thought patterns. But even though it sucks, it’s brought me to a knowledge of the truth of my faith, God is the only thing that is forever.
Every Spring, I’m reminded of that. At 3am nothing feels good, but the morning comes. In the dark of the Winter, it feels like it’ll never be Summer again but Spring reminds us that it will come. God is with us in every season if we want Him. God doesn’t promise protection from suffering but He will help us endure until ‘morning’. God is strong enough for all my hurt, my confusion, my anger, and my disappointment. When my soul is cold and dark and hurt, my faith won’t stop me feeling all of those emotions, I was made to feel them, but they are not the only emotions I’ll ever feel, I was made for others too. God’s presence reminds me, I’ll feel those emotions again. Every year, when Spring comes, God reminds me, in the most concrete of ways, that He keeps His promises to me.
Right now, in the UK (as with many other places) we’re in lockdown, work, if we still have it, whether we’re still doing it or doing it from home looks very different. Life looks very different, it’s been over a week since I’ve touched another human being. I’ve hardly been out of the house and all my communication to the people I care about has been via Facetime or call or text. Other people are suffering more and less than I am but we’re all struggling to adjust to this ‘new normal’. I’ve been able not to be anxious or scared because I keep looking out of the window. Everything has changed, but at the same time nothing has, it’s still Spring and it will be ok again..