Struggle

I seem to be a bit down at the moment. For no reason I can really put my finger on. It could be that the imminent arrival of 40 is making me more unhappy than I thought, it could be that summer which should be just around the corner, seems not to be, it could be money and the lack of it, it could be I need to eat more red meat, it could be a whole heap of reasons.

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Whatever it is, I’m struggling. I’m tired, lethargic and I don’t feel well but there isn’t really anything wrong with me. I’m having more ‘down’ days and more migraines which really don’t help me feel full of the joys of spring. My grip on my life seems to be looser than it was and I really would just like to do nothing and see no-one for a while because everything feels like a too much effort. I’ve been thinking about it and talking about it and yesterday it hit me, I feel like normally feel in winter, when I’m coping with SAD.

Which given how not like summer or spring it is at the moment isn’t really a surprise. Seriously, it’s May and I’m still wearing most of my winter clothes. I still need to put the lights on in the morning because it’s so dark and the only reason I’m not putting the heating on is cause it’s May and I really can’t afford it. It may have been obvious but I’m pretty cross about it because now I need to do something about it, take some positive action which is possibly the last thing I want to do.

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What I want to do is sulk because it’s not  fair, I seem to spend most of my life trying not to be down. I just want to be done already, this is not supposed to be me in May. It’s summer, I shouldn’t have to be working at not being miserable until September, I fought the good fight all the way through Winter and bronchitis and this is not supposed to be my life.

However, it is my life, I’m never going to get to that place where it’s all perfect and easy and I don’t have to work at it. Intellectually, I know this, emotionally it’s a little bit harder to come to terms with. I need to give myself some tough love, I need to stop whining, suck it up and take some action. I have been doing this for long enough to know that making the effort now, even if I resent every single bit of it will turn how I feel around and that the more I do the easier it will become and life will look brighter and I’ll feel better.

Before I launch into the details of my action plan, I want to be really clear, I’m not seriously depressed, I’m naturally a bit depressive, which I entirely blame my father’s Irish melancholy for and I get SAD when it’s dark. The reason it doesn’t get worse is because I know what to do to snap me out of it. That doesn’t mean that I think all depression is curable with a bit of extra willpower. I spent over a year with a counsellor about 5 years ago working out the how and the why of what causes me to feel like this and how best to deal with it. If things get really bad I go back to that counsellor and work out what I need to do.

Although depression has some common elements, it’s different for everyone. So if  you’re reading this and thinking that you must be a worthless person because you can’t snap out of it by doing any of the things listed below, or you’re doing the things below and they aren’t helping. For the love of God, go and see the doctor, get the help you need and don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s because it’s never as simple as that.  Just remember that depression doesn’t want you to do anything so doing something (providing it doesn’t involve violence, drugs or alcohol) is probably a good thing.

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So now I have to make a plan. This is for the rest of May and June. None of it is revolutionary or really difficult but I’m going to concentrate on these things, it may be that other stuff will happen because these are in place, we’ll see.

Sleeping.

No computer after 9pm.

In bed lights out by 10pm (12 on the weekend)

Out of bed at 8am at the latest, every day.

Routine and self care

General

Get showered, get dressed – no lying in bed all day with a book!

Leave the house at least once a day.

Body stuff

Nails – paint and care for them.

Moisturize – body as well as face.

Take make up off properly, not with a baby wipe!

Food

Bring back food prep day

Stick to the meal plan

House

Tidy and wash up as you go

Exercise

Stretches for my knees, twice a day

A plank a day

70,000 steps a week

So that’s my plan to restore me to a smiley version of myself.

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About nicdempsey

Erm...
This entry was posted in How I Live, Random, Whining. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Struggle

  1. Monet says:

    I have been looking through your blog tonight…admiring the pictures and the recipes. But your honesty here really struck me. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your plan of action. I’ve struggled with bouts of depression myself, and it is so refreshing to read a proactive response. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Pingback: Super Summer | Nic Dempsey

  3. Pingback: Sunshine makes a difference, so does action.. | Nic Dempsey

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