So it’s not been the most fantastic happy few weeks in my house.

Mostly because I’ve been gearing myself up for a holiday that isn’t going to happen this month and I want a holiday! I am completely aware that this is a first world problem and really isn’t the worst thing that could happen. So I made a Plan B, then I found out that Plan B was a bust and I’m currently trying to implement Plan C.

It will be fine and really the worst thing that can happen is that I don’t get to Washington at all and I’ve wasted £600, which sucks, but it won’t kill me.  However, somewhere in the back of my head is this little voice telling me that this is happening because I don’t deserve good things, because I’m a disaster and useless and I’m going to die alone and I won’t even be the mad cat lady because even cats hate me. It’s stupid and it’s magnified by PMT and I’m just so sick of myself because really I’m 40 and I’m not supposed to still be doing this.

Sometimes though I still am. Over the last week, I felt rubbish and I listened to the voice more than I should have. I knew I needed a good talking to and I was about to ring T for the scolding I needed, then I remembered I can’t do that any more. As I was about to go into the self pity spiral, I could hear T, I know what she would have said and she’d have been right. “That is a nuisance?”, “terrible isn’t it?”, “well what are you going to do instead?”

It is a first world problem and I am lucky and life isn’t terrible, it’s just not behaving as I would like it to. There are worse things at sea and next week will be better.