This is not a good week.

As weeks go, I’ve had worse and on paper this week is a pretty good one. I’m only at work for 4 days, I’m seeing people on Wed, Thurs and Friday, I’m swanning off to the Sanctuary for a day of relaxation and massage and I’m going to the theatre on a Saturday afternoon. Work isn’t very exciting but there have been things to do and no-one’s died.

However, it’s still not a good week. Things have gone wrong, burnt bread pudding, sore knee and let’s just not talk about how much I really need to do the ironing and generally clean the house, especially as people are coming for dinner this week and my usual ‘keeping it above the dysentery line’ standard of housekeeping will not do.

Everything feels like an obligation and I’m really, really tired despite getting enough sleep. I crave sugar and coffee and hibernation sounds just fabulous. Generally, I’m not nearly as pleased about the good things as I am about the bad and I don’t like it one little bit.

Yes, I do need to go and boil my head, snap out of it and generally buck up. I know this. I know that the only way to handle how I feel right now is to carry on as best I can and it will come right. It’s just so hard and I feel so rubbish for so many reasons and no reason at all.

I read something yesterday that exactly explained why I’m not having a good week. At Backwards in High Heels Tania Kindersley is talking about grief and while I’m not actively grieving anymore, in November this is a really good description of what happens to me.

“the proportion goes. Sadness removes all defences. So instead of taking it on the chin and making an alternative plan, like a grown-up, I whimpered and collapsed in a heap. This is what I discover, as I learn more about grieving. You can pull yourself together and concentrate on the good things and be determined and understand that life goes on. You can, if you are me, console yourself with love and soup and trees. But all it takes is one small thing, and suddenly I am undone, all over again. I am that line in Auden: nothing now can come to any good.”

Proportion has gone and everything is difficult.

This isn’t very cheerful so here’s some fluffy animals